The NEWPROSE WRITERS' FORUM

Carol · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 3:14 pm Post subject: JUST PLAIN SILLY!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Man With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

_________________
"First get your facts, then distort them at your leaisure." Mark Twain

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daisy · WRITER! Joined: 08 Jul 2003 Posts: 963 Location: NY

I love all of them, Carol, especially the last one!
_________________
"Disability is not a great struggle or 'courage in the face of adversity.' Disability is an art. It's an ingenious way to live." -- Neil Marcus

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

Carol · Posted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:51 pm Post subject:

BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS HERSELF

OH MY GOSH! I THINK I'M BECOMING THE MAN I WANTED TO MARRY!

GINGER ROGERS DID EVERYTHING FRED ASTAIRE DID, BUT SHE DID IT BACKWARDS AND IN HIGH HEELS!

A WOMAN IS LIKE A TEA BAG... YOU DON'T KNOW HOW STRONG SHE IS UNTIL YOU PUT HER IN HOT WATER!

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASK FOR ADVICE ON HOW TO COMBINE MARRIAGE AND A CAREER

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME

COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH...

DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN And I HAVE A GUN...

WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT

OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY... I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

DO NOT START WITH ME.
YOU WILL NOT WIN

ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE

I CAN BE ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPENS TO BAD PEOPLE

HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?

DON'T UPSET ME!
I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES
TO HIDE THE BODIES

And last but not least:

IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
_________________
"First get your facts, then distort them at your leaisure." Mark Twain

www.newprose.org
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daisy · WRITER! Joined: 08 Jul 2003 Posts: 963 Location: NY

I love them all! Where do you get them?
_________________
"Disability is not a great struggle or 'courage in the face of adversity.' Disability is an art. It's an ingenious way to live." -- Neil Marcus

"If you are lucky enough to find a way of life you love, you have to find the courage to live it." -- John Irving

Carol · Posted: Fri Aug 12, 2005 1:23 pm Post subject: Millionaire!

A husband and wife are watching T.V. in bed.
They are watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."
The husband turns to the wife and says, "Do you want to have sex?"
The wife says, "No."
The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Carol

(Mabels sent this to me)
_________________
"First get your facts, then distort them at your leaisure." Mark Twain

www.newprose.org
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SUPER · Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 9:44 pm Post subject:

What do you call a calf after 6 months old ???

7 months lol lol

_________________
" It's a gift and it's a curse"

mabels · WRITER! Joined: 08 Jul 2003 Posts: 15992 Location: OHIO

I see this is a good place to come for my morning laugh everyday. HAHAHAHAHA

Justme · WRITER! Joined: 06 Jul 2003 Posts: 910

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise" The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams
down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,
and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

Carol · Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2006 1:15 pm Post subject:

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.

Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, Uht oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.

So, off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and worries, What am I going to do now? but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says aloud: "Where's that **** monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!

Ain't it da trutt!!!!
Carol

Carol · Posted: Sun Jan 08, 2006 11:48 am Post subject:

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Carol · Posted: Wed Jan 31, 2007 2:20 pm Post subject:

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy was in New York He was patiently waiting, and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay pedestrians". Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
Yes, I saw it!"replied Finney. "Where are ye callin'from?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
_________________
"First get your facts, then distort them at your leaisure." Mark Twain

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